Matt Murder

 

DRUMS

 

Don't let his dashing good looks and average body fool you, Matt Murder will end you --tonight. Murder is supposedly from Memphis, Tennessee, but rumor has it he's a Russian spy that was excommunicated for looking too good in a plaid shirt. Murder learned to play drums by beating on the skulls of his vanquished enemies... like the Ewoks in Star Wars. One time at a sold-out concert, he hit the drums so hard that everybody in the pit simultaneously orgasmed. He once played a whole show using a bear's femur bone as a drumstick -- it was by accident. Murder is not allowed back into Des Moines, Iowa. Birds of the wild are his only friends. He loves his mother and father dearly. 

TRUMPOCALYPSE

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